In December of last year, I laid out a nice big plan for the next year. I thought that my running would continue to improve effortlessly, I thought I was going to be promoted because my project was going to succeed, I thought I was going to be engaged. I put in so much hard work for so long that I just knew that I would be reaping the rewards of my hard work.
As we all know, none of these things happened. I didn't get what I "deserved" and spent most of the summer in a weird place emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically. I kept making "plans" and having expectations of things only to find them continuously dashed by reality.
So, very recently, I have made some very different plans. Namely to not have them anymore. I have decided that the universe (God, Flying Spaghetti Monster, whathaveyou) will figure out what will happen, and I am absolutely helpless to control it.
Which is why I'm feeling very Zen about this marathon tomorrow. I know I can't control the outcome, and, at this point, I have done literally everything I could possibly do to be successful. I can't control whether my foot starts throbbing, or whether I get too cold or whether I just plain ol' run out of gas. What I can do is bring a jacket, bring an extra gu, and hope for the best. And, most importantly, not get angry with myself for not doing better.
I bring a lot of yoga teaching to my running. Last year, I had a mantra, a chant that kept me going, "If not now, when?" This year the mantra is "Strong and Focused."
Strong - Because I will run this marathon without anyone waiting for me at mile 20 (Beyonce and Single Ladies will get me through that particular emotionally jarring stretch of the course). Strong because I have trained with a sprained arch, trained while working more than 40 hours a week, trained while going to grad school. Strong because I have put myself through more than I ever thought I could handle, and I have come out clean on the other side.
Focused - Focused because my will to run is stronger than my desire to stay inside. Focused because I control my own thoughts - they do not control me. Focused because the only person who can run this race is me, and I will carry myself on my own two feet.
All that being said, in yoga, we set an intention before every class. Sort of a, "here's why I have come to the mat today. And when the mat gets tough, I will return to my intention to remind myself why I am here today."
Besides staying strong and focused, my intention for tomorrow is to be gentle with myself. To know the difference between my mind saying I can't and my body saying I can't. To accept my performance as it is and to be happy with it. Even if it means pull out mid-race, even if it means getting a worse time than last year.
This is most likely going to be more difficult than running 26.2 miles. But if I can run 26.2 miles, I can be happy with the results.
And now I leave you with the theme of last year's marathon (Kelly Clarkson's Catch My Breath), and a great reminder of just how far I've come:
I don't wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time
Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right
Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now
Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith, karma comes around
I will spend the rest of my life
Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right
Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now
You helped me see
The beauty in everything
Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right
See you on the flipside.
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