A really honest blog posting

Failure.

Disappointment.

Giving up. 

Just a few words I would use to describe my run today. 

This run failure began on Tuesday or Wednesday, when I got the glorious news that the Marine Corps Marathon was banning backpacks. All backpacks, including my beloved security blanket, my North Face hydration backpack. Yeah, okay, security and all that, but COME ON PEOPLE.

I mean, look at this - wearing it last year. (well, there's more than 1 security blanket pictured in this photo...) How happy I am, thumbs up. I've got my security blanket(s) and I'm one happy girl

I was already getting used to the idea that my one security blanket was not going to be there at mile 20 

. But you know what, I was okay. I had my plan (HAH PLANS), I had my training, and I had my trusty backpack to bring all of my goodness in it. 

But now, 25 days before the run, I now find myself having to face running 26.2 miles without my backpack. The backpack that I trained with, the backpack that I'm comfortable with. And the ability to drink my blessed NUUN whenever I want. Because, you know, they don't have NUUN on the course. And I have my irrational fear of fainting on the course due to hypnoatremia (overhydration). So you know, commence freak-out.

(Honesty here)

I think this really has to do with the fact that no matter how much I run, deep inside I still think I'm the fat, asthmatic teenager that I used to be in middle/high school. Everytime something is slightly hard, my brain fires up with, "SEE? This is what I was telling you. You can't do this. Stop pretending to be a runner." So I try to think of every single contingency that could possibly come up with that could go wrong so I could tell my brain, "SHUT UP YOU STUPID BINT!" Dehydration, lack of food, lack of sugar, inhaler - everytime something comes up, I want to be able to shut down that voice and keep going. To be one of those people who effortlessly runs like a gazelle, instead of a warthog. 

The truth is, I have a really hard time controlling my own brain. It literally runs wild sometimes with thoughts and doubts and plans and dreams. Not just with running either, it's with a lot of things in life (read: dating). I tend to start daydreaming - knowing full well that I'm daydreaming, and that it will never come true. But you know, sometimes I get all wrapped up in it, and get disappointed.

Recently, I've determined that writing my books (yeah, I write books) is so fulfilling because it's the only thing in this world that I can control (ding ding ding - control issue). I can make the exactly what I plan happen just by typing it in. Poof, there it goes. There's no disappointment when I'm in total control of the situation.

Which brings me back to the crux of my freak-out about the change.

If I don't bring everything I am going to consume, that means I have to rely on other people. And what if those people let me down? Then my brain will go into overdrive and tell me to just quit. And I think I'm afraid of hearing that voice during the marathon. And actually listening to it, like I did last year, and failing miserably. Because I am not a gazelle, I am a warthog. 

BUT

I have 25 days to get my shit together and try to make the best out of a bad situation. 

So today I ran with a fuel belt instead of my backpack. I had 2 10oz bottles (and a prayer that I would find water stops every 5 miles or so), I bought a new holder for my peanut butter crackers and extra NUUN, my phone, and I safety pinned 6 GUs to my belt (because I can't fit in clif blocks). And I said, welp! time to go run 22 miles.

And it was fucking terrible. 

I'll tell you, the pressure on my stomach from the belt made me feel like I was going to vomit. The whole time. Although I am sure that the 90 degrees and high humidity levels didn't help. And also the fact that the gubment had shut down the trail I wanted to run on, so we had to run on another trail. So instead of going on the beautiful Capital Crescent Trail, I was stuck on the W&OD trail. 

And then my arch STARTED HURTING. So I had to basically limp home. The last 5 miles were 80% walking. 

I'm trying to stay positive. Really, I am. I'm trying to let go of control without giving up completely. You know, let go and let God (or whomever you like). 

So here are the positive things about today:

- I am alive and I ran 16 miles

- I may be able to run with GUs only and not NUUN. The GUs have a higher electrolyte level than the clif blocks. We shall test this concept next week.

- Salted Caramel GU is sent from the GODS. The GOOOOOODS

- I am going to physical therapy on Monday

:)